


Mixed Messages

by faithinthepoor



Series: Murder in Suburbia [3]
Category: Murder in Suburbia (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-08
Packaged: 2017-11-24 03:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/630106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during Dogs</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mixed Messages

**Author's Note:**

> In my series this follows [Loosely Translated](http://archiveofourown.org/works/630087) and [Signals and Codes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/630091)

Timing. Behaviour. Surroundings. She’s not ashamed to have rules about fun, in fact she thinks it’s foolhardy not to and can’t understand how other people can be so lax in their approach to the subject. Frivolity is a necessary and enjoyable outlet but it needs to be regulated and it shouldn’t take the place of structure, discipline and routine. There have been occasional lapses, transitory moments of weakness, but the rules have always been there for her, a constant source of support and comfort. These particular rules didn’t just apply to fun, they could be generalised to other areas of her life and it seems completely unfair that the rules have chosen to prove ineffectual at a time when she really needs them.

The rules aren’t necessarily things that she can control. Timing is related to serendipity, something that she is not altogether a fan of, and she has always been aware that it could turn against her at any given moment. She was committed to her decision to foster the illusion of an infatuation with Sullivan, she had convinced herself that she could flirt with him, that she could even be with him if necessary, that she would do whatever she had to do to protect herself from her feelings for Scribbs. It really had seemed to be going well, if you could consider things falling into place on a plan that is essentially a fallback option as something going well. Sullivan did seem to be taking more of an interest in her, seemed to actively engaging in flirtatious interaction with her and she has to confess that dancing with him had been almost enjoyable. It may not have been dancing in the arms of the love her life but not everybody gets to have that luxury and she is willing to admit that it felt good that he seemed to be showing an interest. He’s not the one that she wants but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel nice to think that he might find her desirable.

Dancing with Sullivan was an incomplete fantasy but not an unpleasant one and for a moment she allowed herself to feel special but that the dream died the second that Scribbs walked in on them. She can’t keep up the pretence of wanting Sullivan when Scribbs is around and she doesn’t know what she can do to overcome that problem. She can’t control the part of her that was happy that Scribbs seemed jealous, the part of her that for a fraction of a second fully believed that the reason that Scribbs was jealous not because of him but because of her. Even now, when her rational mind knows that Scribbs' jealousy was related to Sullivan, that part nags away at the edge of her consciousness whispering to her that she still has a chance, that Scribbs isn’t interested in Sullivan, that Scribbs just wants to win. She doesn’t like the fact that she has engaged Scribbs in some sort of romantic battle for Sullivan’s affections, not just because she doesn’t actually want Sullivan but because she doesn’t like to think about the fact that Scribbs may really like the man. It doesn’t say great things about her that she would stand in the way of the potential happiness of someone that she claims to love but she can’t watch Scribbs be with him, can’t stand the thought of Scribbs sharing a moment like admitting that she was a ‘summer’ with anyone but her.

Behaviour is more of a problem than timing. It is something that she should have almost complete control over but that control has slipped through her fingers. She tries to act normally but finds it exceedingly difficult. Bantering doesn’t seem to come as easily as it used to and it’s hard to bring the jokes. Her actions with Scribbs are more stilted than she would like them to be and she misses feeling witty; asking, “Was that a ribbon on her head?” whilst justified, isn’t exactly champagne conversation. She’s come to think of the awkwardness as the lessor of two evils and that it is better than telegraphing her feelings to Scribbs. Scribbs doesn’t need to know how much of an effect watching her with the puppies had on her. Ash doesn’t possess whatever gene you need to have to find animals cute enough to override the reality that they are dependent creatures that carry diseases. It is frustrating to learn that Sullivan is afflicted with that gene because he doesn’t help her if he goes around demonstrating ways in which they are not compatible. It is also frustrating to learn than that she finds the image of Scribbs playing with the puppies adorable and to realise that if Scribbs brought a dog home she would let her keep it and even though this isn’t ever going to be an issue it still makes her angry because she knows that Scribbs wouldn’t look after it properly and that she would be the one left in charge of making sure it got it’s shots and was adequately fed.

She tries to use this anger as a productive force as she attempts to stand close to Sullivan and show interest in what he is saying. Standing next to him she notices an unusual sensation in her stomach but it’s not butterflies of excitement, it’s a strange, tight pressure that seems to turn her stomach to concrete whenever she looks at Scribbs. It isn’t fair that Scribbs should have this effect on her, there is no reason for her stomach to drop like a stone, she has nothing to feel guilty about, it’s not as though she is betraying Scribbs, it’s not as though Scribbs wants her.

Guilt is but the tip of the iceberg of her Scribbs related emotional problems. When it comes to Scribbs she swings like a human pendulum, the moves happen so abruptly that she is starting to think that despondency and euphoria are adjacent on her emotional spectrum. Having Scribbs tell her that she is frightening her is a crushing blow, she knows she is not necessarily the softest person on the planet and that she can be blunt, she doesn’t needed to be liked but being feared isn’t something that she aspires to and she certainly never wanted Scribbs to see her in that light. There are times when things are easy with Scribbs, when things run smoothly, that she feels that her emotional issues don’t matter because Scribbs is the ideal partner but they don’t tend to last because they get distorted when she notices how bright Scribbs’ eyes look when she wears a green shirt. Finally there are the moments when Scribbs smiles at her warmly or stands closer than normal decorum would dictate that are almost enough to make her believe that Scribbs returns her feelings, these moments are the most painful of all because they come with the brutal crash back down to reality. 

Feelings aren’t behaviours though and in reality it is the behaviours that bother her. She tries to tell herself that asking Steve about the stress of living and working with Christine is nothing but a routine question and that there are no ulterior motives involved but she can’t make herself believe it. Similarly, she pretends that her head hasn’t just exploded when Scribbs talks about shagging a “bit of rough” but the echoing chamber that used to house her brain says otherwise. Some things haven’t changed and she craves the familiarity of such things, clinging to them no matter what the cost, for example she basically strikes Steve off the suspect list when he tells them that he has made a rota. Organisational skills aren’t exactly the kind of evidential proof that will stand up in court but they are good enough for her. 

Sometimes she thinks it would be better if she didn’t talk to Scribbs because conversations can lead to dangerous exchanges like the discussion about the inconceivable attractiveness of Malcolm Eysher. She has no idea what women see in him, there is absolutely nothing appealing about him and yet he just seems to be tripping and falling on top of women. Admittedly they are not the women, or rather the woman, that she wants but it is still a little disconcerting to think that people want him and not her – she is more attractive than him, she is smarter and funnier and doesn’t have the personality of trainspotter and yet she is alone whilst he is feasting from a never ending smorgasbord of frumpy concubines. It makes no sense to her whatsoever, as she tells Scribbs it’s, “The mystery of sexual attraction Scribbs, it’s all about smell apparently, it’s got a lot to do with pheromones.” Not that she necessarily agrees with this assessment, Scribbs doesn’t smell bad but she also looks amazingly good, especially in her tight jeans. At least she is being completely honest when she says she’d rather have a Mars Bar than Malcolm Eysher, even if he is apparently so good in bed that has managed to fornicate someone to death, but then she’d rather have a Mars Bar than be with anyone who’s not Scribbs and so she has been eating a lot of chocolate recently, her gym membership has never been so well used.

There also needs to be some sort of moratorium on Scribbs speaking because she doesn’t want to hear that Scribbs is in the queue of people waiting for the right man to come along. She cares about Scribbs, obviously, and doesn’t want Scribbs to be living a life where she is only happy on Tuesdays but Ash doesn’t want to think about the person that might come along to take away the misery Scribbs feels on the other six days of the week. There are times when she thinks that maybe, just maybe, the reason that Scribbs is still single is that she is waiting for Ash to finally make her move. When they are discussing their individual rituals for dealing with being alone and Estelle adds, “Eat eight Cruchie bars” and tells them that she can see that they have both been there Ash can’t help but wonder why Scribbs chose to make eye contact with her but it can’t possibly be for the same reason that she looked at Scribbs. When she weighs the options in her head the only one that matters is the one she has to exclude. Scribbs’ glance was most likely about shared pain and the misguided belief that Ash is also standing in the queue waiting for the right man to come along.

Surroundings are probably even worse than timing or behaviour. Scribbs is a near ubiquitous feature in her life and thus Ash has to constantly confront and then deny her feelings. In a way it’s torture but it’s torture that she is familiar with, that she has adjusted to, and for the most part it is torture that she can handle. What she can definitely not handle is being locked in a cage with Scribbs while a rabid dog is doing it’s best to attack them. She was holding the bolt in place with all of her might, as though it was the one thing that could guarantee their safety. Scribbs tried to be humorous but her voice was tinged with fear, “You can let go, she’s not going to bother with undoing the bolt, she is just going to chew right through the cage.” 

“That’s comforting to know but if it’s all the same to you I’ll just hold on.”

“If she charges the thing I don’t think you are going to make the difference as to whether the door holds or not.”

“If it charges I am going to feed you to it and make my escape.”

“That’s not going to happen if you keep standing there putting yourself in the line of fire.” She knows that Scribbs is right but she can’t let go, can’t stop herself from futilely trying to place herself between Scribbs and the beast. Outside, with no protection, she grabbed Scribbs and pushed her to safety before she thought about herself, being inside the cage doesn’t seem to change that instinct. “For God’s sake Ash you can at least take one of your hands off the thing.” Scribbs starts to pull at her closest hand, attempting to dislodge it from its post. Her fingers latch tighter and don’t move from their sentry duty but the jostling causes pain in her shoulder joint and eventually she grabs Scribbs' wrist to stop further attacks. She expects Scribbs to be irritated but Scribbs just grins at her, apparently satisfied to have achieved a result even if it was in an indirect manner. There should be a sarcastic barb forming in her mind ready to be aimed and fired at Scribbs but there is nothing except the awareness that her hand is around Scribbs’ arm. Not all of her fingers encircle Scribbs’ wrist, two of them seem to have failed to participate in the grasp and lie along Scribbs' palm, it’s not exactly holding hands but it’s not far off. Scribbs has shifted her gaze back to the dog, “Do you think someone will come and find us?”

“I hope so.”

“What do we do if they don’t?” 

She can not answer that question, she can’t do much of anything right now because Scribbs has pushed her palm through Ash’s apparently far from vice-like grip and has laced their fingers together. The only thing preventing her from having an apoplexy is the fact that, thanks to the intemperate climate, she is wearing gloves and is not in contact with Scribbs’ bare skin. She retracts her hand and threads her fingers back around the wire of the cage, “Then I say we go back to the original plan of letting the dog eat you.”

 

“Well then you need to let me get in front of you.” She can’t do that, her body simply will not budge from its current position. When it’s clear that she is not going to move Scribbs tries another tact, “You have to let me get in front, I’m the junior officer, it would be career suicide for me not to protect you.”

“I won’t exactly be receiving glowing commendations if I let you get hurt now will I?”

“I won’t get hurt, I’m the one that knows about dogs remember?” Scribbs replies as she ducks under Ash’s arm and then positions her body between Ash and the gate, her hands resting on top of Ash’s. “I know about loyalty and self-sacrifice too, did you think they failed to teach that kind of thing to us commoners?”

“I don’t know where they had the time to fit it in between the classes on how to hot-wire cars and avoid teenage pregnancy.”

“Those were really good subjects and much more helpful than learning needle point or how to ride side saddle,” Scribbs shoots back.

“In all seriousness Scribbs, I don’t think either one of us needs to be at the gate, the dog hasn’t attempted to charge, maybe we could just step back a bit.” She no longer cares if her presence at the entrance is the only thing keeping the dog at bay because right now the creature doesn’t seem anywhere near as dangerous as standing here with her body pressed along Scribbs’.

Scribbs nods her agreement and pushes back against her and she feels as though she has gone out of the frying pan and into an active volcano. Her blood is on fire and it is definitely flowing away from her head because she doesn’t even think to step away from Scribbs and even fails to let go of Scribbs’ hands after Scribbs pulls them from the structure of the cage. She is sure that Scribbs must be able to feel her heart as it currently attempting to erupt from her chest and her breath must be falling hot and fast against Scribbs’ neck. She’s flushed and hyperventilating and naturally this is the moment that Steve decides to find them. Ash can take comfort in the fact that her appearance should be consistent with someone in fear for their life because at that moment she was completely terrified. 

The ribbing they received at work afterwards doesn’t bother her that much, she can handle the jibes and the pranks. She would find it amusing that they played ‘Puppy Love’ except for the fact that it makes her paranoid that the squad knows what is going on in her head but if they did suspect surely they would have reacted much more strongly when she followed Scribbs outside after she had called ‘walkies’. That moment was much more difficult than anything her colleagues could have thrown at her, they can make all the fun that they want, they can’t hurt her because she is far too busy crucifying herself for being at Scribbs beck and call.

She tries to counter the power that Scribbs seems to have over her, tries to make herself feel something for Sullivan but it doesn’t seem to work. At least it doesn’t seem to work in the way that she wants it to – it is obviously having some sort of effect because Sullivan seems to be paying her more attention. He is trying to open up, showing her photos, telling her about his life and she wants to enjoy it, she wants to want it, wants to care but try as she might, she doesn’t. She can’t give him and his personal display a fraction of the interest that she gives to Scribbs showing her a photo of a dog, even if it’s only Angel. It would seem that Scribbs is attempting to draw their attention to something important but it is lost on her when Scribbs uses the words ‘submissive’ and ‘posture’. Scribbs might be telling them the details that will solve the case, Ash would know because she can’t get the idea of Scribbs in a submissive posture out of her head. She needs to write to someone and have something done about getting these words removed from the dictionary or at the very least erasing them from any dictionary that Scribbs has access to.

Timing. Behaviour. Surroundings. They are all coming apart, all working together to destroy her. Steve doesn’t say, “It’s always sex with you girls isn’t it?” when she is alone, he says it when she is standing next to Scribbs and instead of brushing it off, she casts an involuntary glance at her partner. It is also inappropriate timing, behaviour and surroundings that mean that she winds up at a dog’s funeral making eye contact with Scribbs as Steve talks about unconditional love. She again feels the pointless flicker of hope light up at the thought that Scribbs chose that moment to make eye contact with her but Scribbs is not Ash, she is nothing like Ash and her motives are never likely to be remotely similar. Scribbs probably chose that moment to look at her because she finds the notion of unconditional love ridiculous.

Her job teaches her a lot about life and about love and there is little that is positive to learn about either of them. People may stay together until their silver wedding anniversary but love rarely seems to last. Experience teaches her that love, even if reciprocated, turns to hate and she doesn’t ever want to hate Scribbs. That knowledge doesn’t seem to be enough to stop her wanting Scribbs though, not even when Scribbs is going around doing completely insane things like standing in front of Angel using a woollen coat as a shield. Watching Scribbs put her self at risk paralysed her with fear, she couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, couldn’t do anything to stop the nightmare scenario playing out before her eyes. It was that moment that made her realise that she has to try and move things forward with Sullivan, she has to do something to force herself to get over Scribbs. Things can’t continue as they are because this, this is killing her.


End file.
